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| Image coutresy of Net-a-Porter.com |
I’m a sucker for texture. If there’s a furry gilet or mohair jumper within arms reach, chances are I’m stroking it gently whilst purring like a kitten. This has proven problematic in the past, in particular when such garments are on a person rather than a hanger. Such is my visceral reaction to fabrics that I’m fairly sure I’ve been profiled in several retail establishments. You can therefore imagine how divided I felt when this season’s catwalks made sublime all things tactile: 3D knitwear, Yeti coats, Cossack hats.
Shopping has now become quite the kinaesthetic landmine with not so pleasant results. The strange looks I received in Office while rubbing a pair of shearling Converse against my face was only the start of it. I blame that divine purple Isabel Marant fur for the inappropriate groan I omitted in Costume and no, I don’t think it strange to slurp loudly when in the presence of a Nappa leather dress; but clearly others do. With this and my will to live in Dublin for the foreseeable future, I thought it best to apply some aversion therapy tactics lest I’m relegated to the ascetic domain of online shopping.
According to my non-fee charging friends at NetDoctor.com, it’s best to associate unwanted behavioural pattern with an unpleasant stimulus. In my case, snugly fabrics should be seen as suffocating or silly. Right. Passing a Mongolian fur chubby or Honey Monster style boots, I tried imagining myself sodden and wading like a wet animal over Capel Street Bridge. No joy. Whilst gripping those Elie Tahari suede trousers in Harvey Nichols, I envisaged a four figure dry cleaning bill. Still nothing. And that River Island feather mini skirt? Despite visualising the trauma of being plucked clean by a group of animal rights activists, the raven ra-ra still found pride of place in my wardrobe.
Of course, I could always cover my hands in cling film or spray myself with Teflon; maybe even hire an assistant to Tazer me at moments of weakness. There again, a pair of blinkers could come in handy; perhaps a crystal-studded leather number? What a pitch that would make on Dragon’s Den! With season three of the series fast approaching on RTE, it might be time to fashion that executive summary. “Mask that fabric fetish with your own couture blinder!” Hmm, perhaps not.
