Make and Don't

A new shade of wrong

I felt sick. Whether it was the bleach fumes or the prospect of looking like a deranged hippie, the gag reflex was imminent. This was not the Proenza Schouler effect I had anticipated and as I glanced at my tie dye t-shirt, I realised I simply could NOT turn this in to be photographed for a  project the following day. Why was I indulging in beatnik batik? More on that later; now, back to the nausea.

I stood pouring Domestos over what looked like a prodigious Smurf turd in the kitchen sink but
was actually a blue t-shirt clad in rubber bands awaiting its sodium hypochlorite scars.  This was attempt number three, the prior two of which left me looking like an undergrad just back from a tour of Thailand. All that was missing was a dolphin tattoo on my
lower back to complete the look.

I couldn’t figure out how and why I wasn’t able to promulgate those Dries Van Noten poppy prints, so popular on the s/s 11 catwalks; or even a Nicki Minaj fringe homage.  As I smeared the cleaning gel onto the turd with oversized Marigolds, whacking it around like a Turkish masseuse, it hit me that maybe my method needing addressing. Not exactly the 'unique technique' of Jasper Pollack, eh?

Said light bulb moment unfortunately coincided with me pouring Toilet Gel atop the Domestos for good measure. As the foam started to spit, sizzle and rise, I hit the cold tap. The poo made a few cavalier jerks before magically disintegrated into a blue fizz; its rubber bands snapping off like constipated shackles.

Wary of the result that lay in the sink, I gingerly shook out the tee with a porridge ladle. As I suspected, the tee looked like it belonged to a girl named Cloud: likes patchouli, drinks organic beer and spends her free time in an incense haze.  How I would pass this off as a stylist’s own customised tee was anyone’s guess.

I wasn’t even crafty enough to come up with an alternative…unless scrawling  ‘MAKE AND DON’T’ in black marker over the offending article was a viable option. Oh my, how artistic!  

I never knew I had it in me…