Why Don't You?

I'm in a bad mood. Boo! Yes, that's me being angry. Cross me at your peril. With such indignation abrew, I thought it best to channel my sucky feelings productively, so I took to reading a more sprightly tome on the life of Diana Vreeland. Damn, that chick was positive. So upbeat was the former fashion colmunist and editor, her  "Why Don't You?" column for Harper's Bazaar achieved cult success among the women of great means. Offering outside-the-box lifestyle thinking, the suggestions were both outlandish and seemingly achievable.

1) Why Don't You...wash your blond child's hair in dead champagne, as they do in France.
2) Why Don't You...have an elk-hide trunk for the back of your car? Hermès of Paris will make this.
3) Why Don't You...have your cigarettes stamped with a personal insignia?


There are several reasons why this doesn't work for me; see reasons below:

a) Any champagne that crosses my threshhold normally has a 60-minute lifespan; its death being bought about by consumption; not lack thereof.
b) I don't have a car.
c) A personal insignia? Really?

Curmudgeonly disposition in tow, I've decided to write a few of my own suggestions which begs the question -Why Don't You?

...step away from the Herve Leger bandage dresses. They're common. End of.
...realise that certain trends act as a one-way ticket to celibacy. If you want any sort of future sack action, contact The Man Repeller for a list of what to avoid.
...Juicy Couture is an oxymoron and an insult to the word 'fashion'. Unless your intentions involve some twisted form of postmodern irony, leave the towelling to the bathroom honey.
...stop using the word 'fashionista'. You are only contributing to its smelly virulence!
...buy a decent bottle of wine and down it with a stellar friend if having a fat day. It's cheaper than therapy, cleaner than colonic irrigation and unlike a shotgun, you don't need a licence.

There. I feel better already...